The real tragedy of Ted Haggard

Ted Haggard's fall was spectacular.  Pastor Ted, as he was known to his congregation, was the founder of the 10,000 member New Life Church in Colorado Springs and was the leader of the National Association of Evangelicals from 2003-2006.  Time Magazine listed Haggard as one of the 25 most powerful evangelicals in the country, and he was influential in rallying evangelicals to support George W. Bush's re-election in 2004.

But in late 2006, it all came crashing down on Pastor Ted when a Denver male prostitute alleged Haggard had been paying him for homosexual sex for three years and using methamphetamines during their encounters.  For several weeks after the allegations, Haggard, his family, and his church went through the standard regiment; discrediting the witness, denial and, finally, the slow, painful, public erosion of Haggard's credibility as the allegations transitioned from plausible to probable.

Fellow evangelical leaders James Dobson, Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, without a whit of Christian grace, abandoned Ted Haggard.  He fled the church he had founded and issued the following letter to his congregation:

I am so sorry for the circumstances that have caused shame and embarrassment for all of you.... The fact is I am guilty of sexual immorality, and I take responsibility for the entire problem. I am a deceiver and a liar. There is a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I've been warring against it all of my adult life.... The accusations that have been leveled against me are not all true, but enough of them are true that I have been appropriately and lovingly removed from ministry.

Newsweek has an update on Ted Haggard in the current issue:

And yet, while he strives to turn the other cheek, full Christian forgiveness eludes him. He believes that New Life cast him away when he needed it the most. As he says in the movie: "The Church has said go to hell." Haggard now thinks that he lashed himself too hard. "I understand why when a criminal is caught they will sometimes admit to things they didn't do," he says. "I wanted to overrepent, and I think I did overrepent. In my [resignation] letter to the church I said I was a deceiver and a liar, but I hadn't lied about anything except to keep quiet about what was going on inside me."

So is he gay or straight? After more than a year of secular counseling sessions, he still ducks the label question. "I believe that sexuality is complex and confusing," he says. "I no longer struggle with homosexual compulsions. I still have thoughts from time to time, but they're not powerful thoughts. I still have temptations from time to time, but they're not powerful temptations. They're not compelling." Both he and Gayle say that their 30-year marriage has actually improved in the wake of the scandal. "As you might imagine, with greater openness the intimacy is better," says Gayle, who says she stayed with Ted for two reasons. "No. 1, he's worth it, and our children are worth it."

One thing that hasn't changed is his conservative philosophy. Haggard still opposes gay marriage, telling Pelosi that "God's best plan for human beings is for man and woman to unite together," and he believes that homosexuality is a learned behavior "like alcoholism." Gays (and many straights) will undoubtedly scoff, but Haggard comes across more like a man striving to be honest to himself, the world and his God. "I am what I am," he says in the movie. "I was born an evangelical."

I remember the most heartbreaking moment for me during the unraveling of the Haggard story.  The press had camped out in front of the Haggard's Colorado home, and one day the family emerged and struggled to work their way through the throng of reporters to their car. 

The reporters were insistence and Haggard, still trying to deny the whole story, rolled down his window and began answering the reporter's shouted questions.  I don't remember what he said.  It was, undoutedly, a series of denials.  All I remember is the shell shocked look on his wife's and two small children's faces.  Scared, confused, and no longer certain they really knew the man they called husband and father.

That always struck me as the real tragedy of Ted Haggard.  Not the loss of the church he worked so hard to found and support, or the public embarrassment and damage to his reputation, or the mercilous abandonment by his fellow evangelical leaders.  But that the stigma and revulsion over his homosexuality was so strong, Haggard felt denial was his only option.  Forced to create an alternative self, a false self, Haggard felt that denial was even more important than the love and compassion of those he valued most; his congregation and his family.

Comments

[libhomo]

I've always wondered why no one seems to even consider the possibility that Haggard might be bisexual.

[Martin]

Yes, exactly. Haggard says his sexuality can't be put in boxes...and folks like Andrew Sullivan label him a "tortured gay man." What gives? That's just as bad as someone like Haggard calling Sullivan a "tortured straight man," imho.